‘A kiss is still a kiss’ (sort of, like!)

I had only been in the washroom long enough to have a pee, rinse my hands and appreciate the nice job the mirror does. As I exited, it was clear that the Lads had been discussing me: silence, followed by, ‘sher it’s pitch dark these evenings at five o’clock’… a sure sign.

One of the Goys, (not to be confused with guys) was ordering a drink at the bar. There is a subtle difference between the Lads and the Goys. Difficult to explain – and sometimes the line is fine – but you just know. Being totally non-racist myself, I stopped to say ‘Hi’ to the Goy. I never knew what his first name is, because he is known as ‘Squealer’ to the Lads. They say he ‘can’t hold his wet’. True to form, Squealer informed me that the Lads had been commenting again on this column. They had consoled each other by agreeing that YCBS would soon be written by AI and might be worth reading then.

There were now three distinct groups present; the Lads, the Goys and the Gorls had just arrived in. Being totally non-sexist, as well as non-racist, I mingled with the Gorls for a short time.

I couldn’t be certain where it broke out, but once again it demonstrated that the greatest fire can be started with the smallest spark. Before anybody could shout ‘stop’, the talk came up about Spanish soccer chief, Luis Rubiales getting himself fired for kissing Spain’s ladies football captain, Jenni Hermosa.

There were mixed views – and that is the understatement of the year, folks.

The Gorls and the Goys started off by articulating reasonable debate one way and the other. The initial contribution from the Lads – after they had waited to see which way the wind was blowing – was muted enough. There were murmurings and ‘under the breath’ comments that would give you a cheap laugh only for the PC brigade.

Two Gorls and one Goy spoke as if they were fully paid up members.

The Lads had started slowly on this one, but were now growing more into the game. ‘Moaner’ wanted to know what would happen if it was the other way round and Jenni had kissed Luis. ‘How do you know any more when it’s alright to kiss a woman?’ begged ‘Hairy Mac’ A chorus of ‘never in your case’ went up, which, in fairness to Mac, he ignored.

A reasonable and soft-spoken Gorl stated that a true gentleman would always know when a lady wished to be kissed – and without the delicate subject having to be discussed beforehand. ‘That word, ‘gentleman’, rules out a lot of people here – what about those?’ enquired Squealer – with a big smirk on his face. He should have left that one alone, because raised voices were heard from the corner where the low voices had been. Moaner gave Squealer one under the belt: ‘I’d rather take my chance on kissing her, than have my mother choose a cousin for me!’

The married Lads were asked how the updated rules affected the kissing of wives. One said that nothing had changed. ‘The Ram’ said that after 10 pints, he gets an ‘ungodly urge’ to kiss Vera, but that the strangest thing is that it has the opposite effect on her. ‘Shaky’ admitted that since he got the new teeth, it didn’t matter how many pints he had, or none, Maggie just wasn’t the kisser that she used to be.

Now it was the turn of the Gorls to whisper and gasp – and lots of ‘Oh my God’ entangled the conversation. One lady, who had never been married, turned to her companions with the ceist: ‘does that answer your question?’

A Goy with a long-time partner advised the Lads that taking her home a bunch of flowers always works for him.

The civilised conversation left at that stage, and was replaced by a heated shouting match… and sad to say, a few insults delivered from all sections.

I decided to try and cool it; but not for the first time in my life, I left the ‘yoke’ worse…

‘It’s even worse for tree-huggers – are any of you into that? I enquired politely. This column doesn’t do bad language, so we’ll skip the responses.

Undeterred, I went on: ‘It’s bad enough when you can’t kiss a girl in Spain, but now you can’t even hug a tree. Officials in Cabezon de la Sal, are taking measures to prevent tourists from hugging trees in the protected redwood forest. Are men going to have to keep their hands in their pockets all the time… or what is the world coming to?’

It was then I caught the dirty eye of Mrs Youcantbeserious, with that ‘stop digging’ look on her face. ‘I suppose a peck on the cheek would be out of the question?’ sez I.

Don’t Forget

All the legislation in the world will not abolish kissing.