Finding your tribe

Jean's Journal with Jean Farrell

I felt so very sorry for a young teenage boy, whom I saw in Carrick-on-Shannon recently. He was aged about 14 and was trailing along behind his granny.

Never have I seen a more bored, fed-up face on a teenager. It screamed, “I DO not want to be here. I DO not want to be going for a walk with my granny and my little sister!”

As I’ve strolled around various villages, on the north Shannon, I have seen many grannies minding school-going children. The problem is that they are not going to school now, and their parents are at work. This is a real dilemma for young families throughout the summer.

Many young women have full-times jobs. Many also have young children. I’ve written about the difficulty of combining both roles before. Most have only two children.

I’m going to return to a topic which I mentioned recently, and which is connected to the above.

I was listening to Brendan O’Connor on the radio. His guest, Richard Hogan, was speaking about one of our most basic needs, a need to belong, to be connected to a group of people. He referred to it as, ‘Finding Your Tribe’.

I thought that the following point was very interesting. He said that we are animals at heart. Our basic instinct is to survive. In order for animals in the jungle to do so, they MUST stay with their herd/flock/ pack. Haven’t we all seen films of the poor deer who gets separated from the herd? He doesn’t survive.

To feel connected is a basic need, we must find ‘our tribe’.

The folk we connect most to are our families, of course. We belong to each other. And this also applies to the extended family, our cousins and kinfolk. Nowhere is this more obvious than at big family funerals, where all the clan meet to connect and support each other.

Consider the very small families that couples have nowadays. How different this will be for them, in the future.

I have lots of siblings. I have lots and lots of first cousins. I know that many of you have, too. Our ‘tribe’ is enormous. As I get older I really appreciate this, very much.

As a young child, it was far from perfect to be one of a large family. However, at this point in my life it is wonderful. Thankfully, we are all good friends and holiday a lot together. We connect at a very basic level. This is because we shared the same parents and childhood. We also meet many of our cousins regularly, at birthday celebrations and more.

How very different this will be for our grandchildren. They will be lucky if they even have five first cousins! Indeed our own adult children have few enough first cousins. When our generation pass on, the ‘tribe’ will be an awful lot smaller.

Many people feel very connected to their friends and to colleagues, in their place of work. Indeed, when folk retire, they miss the daily connection with these pals. Working from home doesn’t allow for the same interaction at all. People are the poorer for this.

As I watched thousands of people from counties Cork, Tipperary, Kerry and Donegal making their way to Croke Park, this summer, I thought that they have, indeed, found their tribe.

As I watched six old men sitting in the same pub every night, I reckoned that they have found their tribe too. They have a sense of belonging, as they mutter to each other, at intervals.

In terraces, in towns, neighbours know and connect with each other. At the local mart, farmers connect with their tribe.

Any of us, in any type of club, have a feeling of connection and belonging there, which is good for our souls.

I wrote about London last week. I remember a friend telling me that when she arrived in England, many years ago, she knew no-one at all and wondered how she would cope. She went to Mass on her first Sunday there. The priest announced that there would be tea and buns for everyone, after Mass. It was here that she met ‘her tribe.’ This made all the difference to her life in London.

In order to know our tribe, we first have to know ourselves. As Brendan O’Connor’s guest spoke on the radio, I wrote down this quote from him. “Many of us carry around incredible hurt from our childhood. In order to protect ourselves from more hurt in later life, we never get involved with people.” Strong words!

He spoke, at length, about the sadness of loneliness. As I aim to be cheerful in my articles I won’t say all he said.

Instead, I’ll pass on his positive advice. It’s what I write all the time. Get up and get out. Join a men’s shed. Join a walking club. Join a group where you will be respected and heard. Phone a friend!

Of course, mobile phones are great too. Many of us connect with our pals on these. I laughed when Mary told me how her mother satisfies her need to connect and belong.

“Mammy feels really connected to ALL the people who live in Coronation Street, Fair City and Emmerdale. You’d think she lived in the middle of them!”

I was sad to see this sign (above), by the river bank. It reminds us all to include people in our circle, in our tribe. Let’s try not to leave anyone outside, like the little deer, mentioned above. He didn’t survive - alone.

jeanfarrell@live.ie