'Gambling was my first love': Moate resident on his addiction and recovery journey

A Moate-based psychotherapist who was in the hold of an "overwhelming gambling addiction" for more than a decade is now "giving back" to those suffering a similar fate.

Dan Coulter (37) opened the doors of his Serenity Therapy business in the Misneach Centre, Moate, at the start of this year.

It marked the latest step in his recovery from an addiction which, he said, "consumed" his 20s, saw him lose over €100,000, and resulted in him contemplating suicide.

"It was a very disruptive and destructive time of my life where theft, manipulation and lies were prevalent and so many relationships became fractured," Dan said.

Originally from Navan in Meath, the "buzz" of gambling started for Dan as a 17-year-old student. Retracing his steps on a "road to destruction", Dan says his first exposure to gambling was the cheers emanating from his local bookmakers shop during the Cheltenham Festival.

"I knew my fellow students were placing bets and there appeared to be a great buzz, in particular when there was a 'winner' involved," Dan added.

An avid sports fan, Dan was soon immersed in the "buzz" felt by his peers when he placed his first bet, a football accumulator, which he said "came in".

"That feeling of winning €100 on a €5 bet was euphoric, particularly for a teenager. I thought to myself, 'how easy is this' to win money, and it soon became a weekend ritual," Dan said.

A college stint in Dundalk which "didn't work out" saw Dan return to his home in Navan and when he started working in the local shoe shop he soon found himself with disposable income.

"At the time online betting became a feature of gambling, so I opened an account and was regularly placing bets on my laptop while sitting in my living room," he added.

Dan's interest in horse racing started to evolve and an annual trip to the Galway Races with friends "became a religion", heightening his "love affair" with gambling.

His online access to gambling websites saw his addiction levels increase to such an extent that his mother was continuously warning him of the potential pitfalls that came with placing bets.

"I simply paid no heed to her, but her concerns heightened when she saw my bank statements, and the increased number of online bets I was placing, but I was oblivious to her warnings," Dan added.

Following his working stint, Dan returned to college with a weekly allowance of €40 from his mother.

"The money was for my shopping, but my first thought would be to gamble the €40 in the hope of having a free week in college. Realistically, I was living in a fantasy," Dan said.

On so many occasions Dan would leave the bookmakers "without a penny to my name" and the escalation in his gambling addiction saw him regularly going without food.

"When the money is gone and you have no food, that is when you start to manipulate and lie in every situation. Gambling had taken a firm hold on me, but I was completely unaware and dismissive. Yes, you would feel on 'cloud nine' when you won, but, realistically, the losses far outweighed the wins," Dan stated.

He was "completely preoccupied" with his addiction, studying the horse racing form on a Friday evening and pre-planning the bets he would place over the course of the weekend.

"Gambling was firmly part of my identity and I was in complete addiction in the early stage of my 20s. Placing bets was all I knew," Dan said.

As his addiction progressed, Dan started to withdraw socially with feelings of stress and anxiety becoming more and more prevalent in his daily life.

"I can honestly say I wasn't present for most of my 20s. Gambling had become all-consuming. It was my first love and I had to protect my addiction at all costs," Dan said.

He tried on numerous occasions to halt his growing addiction, closing his online betting accounts, but was then "quickly reopening a new account" within days.

Gambling losses were treated with a "bad day at the office" attitude, but a feeling of anxiety would "turn to excitement" the following day when his betting cycle would start again.

Dan said there were a couple of occasions when he thought about stopping, but the urge to gamble overcame any feelings he had towards ending his addiction.

He travelled to the US with his partner, now wife Orla, in 2015, but plans to explore Canada failed to materialise as he had squandered his "supposed savings" on gambling.

With no immediate plan in place for post college life - Dan had studied social care in what was then Athlone IT (now TUS), during which time he also served for two years as president of the Students' Union - he returned home to Meath and, without work, started to receive social welfare payments.

"As my income was low, I stopped gambling for two months but soon I became bored and thoughts turned to placing bets once more. I thought it would be different this time, I would bet small amounts to make more money, but in time I was losing my weekly social welfare payment in one day," Dan said.

Although he was under surveillance from his mother, Dan would still manage to "find a way" to make to to and from the bookmakers while she had left the home.

"I waited until she left the house on her daily errands. I'd then take the car, drive to the bookmakers, place my bets, and return home, ensuring I left the car in the exact position it was in the driveway originally," Dan said.

Depth of despair

Unemployed and without regular cashflow, Dan needed to continue feeding his habit and his addiction "went to another level" with the theft of money from his brother's savings account.

"I was in my brother's bedroom one afternoon and found his bank debit card in a tin. It set my mind in motion thinking that he didn't need the money in his account as he was in college," Dan said.

Dan's addiction was so great that he managed to obtain the pin for his brother's bank card and soon was withdrawing funds to meet his gambling fever.

"Ultimately, I stole in the region of €9,000 from his account. As you can imagine this caused a huge rupture in our family and, even then, I still didn't realise how horrendous my desire to gamble had become. In truth, I had become a shell of a man," Dan added.

It was at this stage of his addiction that suicide ideation began to form and he planned on taking his life such was the "depth of my despair".

"For me, there was no way out. My head was in a spin, and I just broke down in front of my mother. I took no accountability for the money I had stolen from my brother and I felt no guilt."

His life in turmoil, Dan decided he would start going to Gamblers' Anonymous (GA) meetings but "I was only going to get people off my back".

By that stage, Dan was employed in Athlone. His gambling impulses continued, leading to him regularly making excuses to his partner as to why he had to work late hours.

"I had betting slips stuffed into socks and CD cases, all to keep my addiction hidden from Orla," Dan said.

Dan would stay up through the night "betting on ice hockey games" and going into work with minimal sleep such was the grip gambling had on his life. He would regularly lose his month's wages in a two-day betting spree, but "always had my mother to bail me out" when bills needed to be paid.

"I always held advocate roles in my career, supporting others, but not once did I ever look inwards at what was going on in my life. Addiction prompts feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment. You are in the mire with no clear pathway out," Dan said.

He also saw an addiction counsellor but there was no successful outcome to his therapy sessions.

"I would be placing bets before I met with the counsellor and after our sessions run straight back to the car checking my phone to see if I had any winners. I thought that betting was my escapism. How foolish was I?" Dan said.

His "cry for help" came in 2020, just after Orla had brought a house in Moate.

"Covid-19 had taken hold and we were both housebound. I was still gambling on my phone, placing bets on cartoon horse racing and casino poker. I had no shame, I was gambling directly in front of Orla.

"You could say this was my 'cry for help'. I wanted Orla to help me tackle my gambling. I was just spent with my addiction." Dan would self-harm, "punching my face", and loathing his inner self, suicidal thoughts started to prey on his mind.

"My head was so messed up. I can't emphasise enough how manipulative I had become. The secrecy, the pressure, the anxiety, the stress. My mind was consumed. I had come to the stage where I didn't even know why I was gambling. It was no longer about the money. My gambling impulses were robotic," Dan stated.

The "dire situation" reached its peak during the summer of 2020 when Orla "threw me out of the house".

"I had my last bet in June 2020. I felt completely hopeless and lost with so many relationships impacted by my thoughts and deeds," Dan added.

Out of options, Dan was "thankfully accepted" into Hope House Addiction Treatment Clinic in Foxford County Mayo for a 30-day programme.

"I thought that if this treatment programme didn't work for me, I was definitely going to end my life," Dan said.

Road to recovery

It was during the treatment programme that Dan started "to get honest" with his thoughts. He said this allowed him to "reset" as a person, as it was brought "home to me" by family members and friends how I acted as an individual in the "grip of my addiction".

"These words were so difficult to hear. Brutal, yet necessary. I can't speak highly enough of the treatment I received in Hope House. They helped me to realise the damage I had caused during my addiction and it was the first time I really looked inwards and asked 'what do I want from this life?'"

Dan continued his post-treatment recovery with regular psychotherapist sessions as he aimed to unearth why he chose "this destructive gambling path".

"On reflection, my father dying suddenly before my eyes when I was just ten-years-old had a profound impact. There was an underlying grief there and when you were constantly being told that you were now the 'man of the house' at such a young age it was going to play a part in your development as a child," Dan said.

While there is no desire to return to his gambling ways, Dan still has to "assess trigger points" before he meets with friends socially.

"I had to forego a 'stag' at a greyhound track recently. While I have no urge to place a bet, I just don't need to be in that environment. I have also had to leave certain WhatsApp groups because of betting talk," Dan said.

Dan has been in therapy for six years, as he continues on his recovery journey.

Relationships with family members have been healed and he compliments their supportive role as he follows a "clear life path".

Referencing his recovery from addiction, Dan said that his 30-day treatment programme and regular counselling "allowed me to have a life" but added that there is no "one-size-fits-all" approach when it comes to dealing with these issues.

As part of his recovery process, Dan decided to continue his career in an advocacy role, qualifying from the International College for Personal and Professional Development (ICPPD) with a degree in Holistic Counselling & Psychotherapy.

It was a four year course for which he studied in Athlone.

"Although I was still in the early stages of recovery I was accepted by my peers on the course and on reflection, it was a beautiful space to be in," Dan said.

Getting married and having a daughter (Caoimhe) has also played a significant part on his recovery journey.

"These were never life options when I was in the thick of my addiction," Dan added.

Highlighting gambling harm

He said he knows he has "too much to lose" if he places a bet in the future.

"I just won't go back to that place again, nothing would make me do so."

He takes "great pride" in being in a position to counsel those who have addiction issues but acknowledged that as a society "we have much to do" with regards to education on the dangers posed by gambling.

"Yes, there are supports such as gamblingcare.ie, but we still need more community supports. The gambling regulator is assessing the situation and will present his recommendations in due course, but we need to be realistic about how normalised gambling has become in modern society," Dan added.

Dan said he has "huge concerns" regarding online gambling influencers who are "targeting young people", while there are "tipsters galore causing harm".

"I have an ongoing passion for my own recovery, but also gambling policy, legislation and creating cultural change on this issue in society.

"Speaking from my lived experience, the need is great to tackle this escalating trend, particularly amongst our younger generations, and any role I can play in highlighting gambling harm I will definitely do so," Dan said.