Jean's Journal: Changes over the years in how we mourn the dead

by Jean Farrell

"There was only one death notice in The Irish Independent today," a friend remarked recently. What a change!

Remember, when we were young, a whole big page was devoted to the subject? Our ‘old’ parents read these announcements out loud with great interest, as we yawned with boredom!

RIP.ie has replaced this. Many folk study the deaths on it, as I do. In fact, it has become quite a ‘hobby” for some.

The condolences tell a lot. One reader told me that his wife lived in County Kerry, Mayo and Westmeath. She pores over these condolences for hours.

“I see Frank Fogarty is still alive in Tralee. He’s put up a long harangue, typical! And imagine Louisa Harrington in Castlebar is still this side of the grave and as mad as ever! Look at the rubbish she’s written in the condolence. I wonder is her long-suffering husband still alive?”

His wife gets enormous value out of RIP.ie, while this long-suffering husband goes for long walks to avoid his wife’s long monologues!!

A friend has an old father-in-law who listens to the death notices on local radio. Many do. He phones her to get more details. This old man misses the full page of announcements on the paper very much.

When we were young things were different indeed.

Remember the black crepe material pinned to front doors, in town? A white card would be attached to it. Details of a death were written on this. It informed all who passed by that a person had died in the house. It was chilling to see.

Some people had High Masses said for their deceased. I wonder were these more expensive that ordinary funeral Masses. (Did this allow the rich get into Heaven quicker?)

‘Offerings’ were custom in the past. Mourners were expected to place an envelope, containing money, in a basket at the altar. This money was for the clergy.

I read, with interest, that a columbarium is to be installed in Saint Peter and Paul’s Church. People’s ashes can be kept ‘in a dignified sacred place’ here. The report in this paper said that the columbarium will be in the ‘old mortuary chapel to the right of the main entrance.’

Do you member coffins being kept overnight in that mortuary chapel? In fact, I don’t think town folk had wakes in their houses, as is done nowadays. There was ‘The Removal.’ The hearse took the remains to the church the night before the funeral Mass. This happened up to quite recently.

Many mourners attended these ‘Removals.’ Prayers and the rosary were said by the priest. Then people queued up to sympathise afterwards. The body was left overnight in the mortuary chapel, until Mass the next day.

As a young child I used to gaze in at the coffin with dread. I’d imagine how terrifying it would be to be left in there, all alone, all night, in the huge empty church.

This procedure seems to have stopped in recent years. Now funeral homes are used for the same purpose. Many choose to have the remains waked in their own house, which I think is good.

Another thing that has changed is the custom of wearing black, after a family death. I’m sure many of you remember seeing widows who wore black for a year, or longer. There was a custom too of sewing a small diamond of black cloth onto the sleeve of a coat. This signified that a death had taken place in the family.

There are two trains of thought regarding this. Some think that to dress in black was a good thing. It reminded everyone that you were sad and in mourning. People would treat you accordingly. They might talk about your deceased loved one to you and be sympathetic.

The other viewpoint is that it would be terribly depressing to get up every morning and dress in black. In fact, it would depress everybody. One must ‘move on’ and mourn in silence.

On the subject of dress, do you remember that shops used to have brown cardboard boxes on shelves with ‘Shrouds’ written on them?

Most corpses wore these, in the past. Some women were laid out in their Child of Mary cloaks. Here in Athlone, members of The Franciscan Third Order wore their brown habits.

All these people would have been praying for a ‘happy death’ since they were young children. Everyone did, back then. It was part of the trimmings of the rosary.

I clearly recall the nuns explaining what a ‘happy death’ was. It meant that as you were dying a priest would be by your side. He would administer the sacrament of Extreme Unction and you would be on your way straight up to Heaven!

For most, after a life spent ‘mourning and weeping in this valley of tears’ they looked forward to getting their well-earned just reward there.

A woman told me, lately, that she goes to more wakes than weddings these days. Don’t we all, sadly! Indeed, if we are honest, don’t we like to see the relations and hear the eulogy at funeral Masses? And these Masses can be viewed on television anywhere in the whole world, which is amazing.

After my old aunt’s recent funeral, we all had a lovely long evening, in a local hotel, reminiscing on her life. We met many cousins whom we hadn’t seen in years.

It reminded me of what Ralph Richardson wrote, “Memorial services are the cocktail parties of the geriatric set.”

jeanfarrell@live.ie